Favorite Lines from the Audience:

"So Mike when you are processing the reg data, do ya get a little wood?"

"Must process the data."

Favorite Lines from the Movie:

"Nothing like a little head, eh padre?"

"Lather up and shave your ass, you're the bait."

"When I was kicking your ass back there.. did that give you wood?.. huh? Did you get a little mahogany from that? ...a little ebony? C'mon tell the truth."

"Pole smoking fashion victim, come on over here!"

Reviews

Dogburt

What can I say about this movie? On the one hand, it’s a concept that has been explored in a multitude of forums. In my opinion, tales of the gothic supernatural, i.e. vampires, werewolves, and the like, can be done on 2 different levels: the dark, mysterious, and cool, or the over-the-top, macabre and humorous. It has to fall within one of these. As of yet, I’ve not seen a film that fits into the former, "Vampires" included. However, my two favorite vampire movies of all time, "From Dusk Till Dawn," and "The Lost Boys," do marvelously in the latter. Unfortunately, "Vampires" ends up somewhere in between, and fulfills neither. I admit- James Woods can be a legitimate bad-ass, and occasionally, this movie allowed him to be so. However, it too often tried to get too serious, and the downfall was definitely the presence of cuddly old Daniel Baldwin. With at least 17 of the Baldwin brothers sitting in the wings, they couldn’t get Alec, Adam, or even Billy (maybe b/c he’s ONE TUFF COP!); no, they had to get the fat one. The long and the short of it is, if you want a "cool" perspective on vampires, read Anne Rice or Stephen King. If you want the best vampire movie of all time, see "The Lost Boys."

Batman

This was a tough movie to rate. It had a bad attitude, excessive violence, gore, great lines, and nudity, essentially many of the staples we look for in a Tuesday night film. But for some reason all the parts never pulled together well. The movie didn't seem to have the conviction to charge head on into badness or quality. The half star, by the way, is for the nudity which has been sorely lacking in horror films lately. Anyway, the movie is enjoyable, but not good enough to be great or bad enough to be a classic. It just lingers in the middle.

I take it all the thin Baldwin's were booked? Was Carpenter abused by priests as a kid? He couldn't seem to come up with enough ways to abuse the holy men. Sheryl Lee provided some of the highest quality twitching I've ever seen in a movie. Not to pick on the special effects work, but in the scene where Valek was fondling the cross, it looked like he was wearing Lee Press-On Fingers.

Full Mason

This movie rocked. John Carpenter is a director who knows a little T&A is expected in a Horror movie.

Mad Matt

Lot of blood and lot of violence but nothing seemed to gel. James Wood's was raised by priests... no wonder he was getting profound pleasure out of abusing that Padre.

I have to agree with Batman though: Sherly Lee's getting bite by a vampire has to be one of the most erotic vampire bites of all time. It took her like a full day and half to recover from it. Seems a lot like the Full Mason's last date...

Not the best vampire movie that I have seen but definitely better than Vampire in Brooklyn.

Shankster

Vampires is a film that is not good enough to be considered good and not bad enough to be brilliant. It looked promising with a pretty cool fight scene in the beginning that transitioned into some brief frontal nudity, but that promise disappeared very quickly. Then there was the all too familiar tension of the good guy chasing the bad guy, the good guy's best friend being tempted by the enemy, and there being no one the good guy can really trust. Come on we've seen this before, like in every Batman comic, movie, or TV show ever made. Then that last scene, what's with this mushy baloney "No matter where you go I'm going to hunt you down, find you and kill you." (*HUG*), come on get real, that's not the type of scene for a glorified cross between Rambo and a horror flick. Good wins in the end and the cheesy Bruce Willis style dialog, one cool death scene and a minute of frontal nudity are the extent of this movie's redeeming qualities.

Red Sonja

I gave this movie two stars based primarily on the director's willingness to go out on a limb and fill the early scenes with a lot of senseless nudity. There just isn't enough senseless nudity in film anymore. I miss the eighties, the decade in which senseless nudity in film hit its high water mark. Particularly of note was the fine undressed perfomance by Sheryl Lee, still particularly hot all those years after playing the dead girl on "Twin Peaks." They way she writhed around when she was first bitten made many a man run to unload the gun. Not me personally, uh, I was talking about other guys. James Woods performance was also laudible, any actor who can speak some of those lines with a straight face deserves high praise. Other than that the movie pretty much sucked, falling into the category of not being good enough to be watchable, and not being bad enough to be considered a classic.

Biscuit
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