It's good every once in a while to take a break and relax a little. After resting for much of 2001, I'm back. Expect biweekly columns starting today. The crew has been awakened and will continue working to bring you some much needed movie news. I've enjoyed Hollyfeld's column tremendously. I'll definitely guest-star on Look Closer... soon. 'Q-Brick' will continue to bring us his wonderful movie reviews. 'Tyler Durden' is still hanging around, we'll hear from him soon enough. We'll also witness the resurrection of 'Agent Payne'. (Good to have him back onboard!) We are working on big stories and concepts for this column, which will undoubtedly change the face of TNMC. Bookmark this website, because we're just getting started...
'Planet of the Apes' Exclusive
'Agent Payne' had the wonderful pleasure of telling me that he's got a few killer stories up his sleeves. This is just the beginning:
"What would possess somebody to remake that classic monkey movie Planet of the Apes? With the wild makeup and Chuck Heston chewing the scenery like Marlon Brando at an all you can eat buffet, you can't go wrong. And yet our lord and savior, Tim Burton, decides to step up to the plate and put his damn dirty paws on the classic for a remake. Oh sorry, re-envision. Wouldn't want to call this a remake, it would insult Gus Van Sant and his Psycho.
So if you're going to remake such a movie, how do you top it? Sure with advances in makeup you can expect the apes to look better but what about the rest of it? Well kids, I'm here to tell you the answer is to make it bigger. More action, more special effects, better makeup and generally more of everything.
The original movie was made on a pretty thin budget and in some ways it shows on screen. Look at the lack of variation in ape costumes or those shitty masks for background apes if you need proof. This will not be the case with Burton's version. For evidence, I'm going to show you some storyboards from the movie. What I'm about to show you is by no means the biggest or most elaborate of action scenes. The fact that this is the small stuff should give you an idea of the scale we're talking about.
Let's start with a gander at the ape camp (click on the picture for a full version). Those odd looking items in the top of the picture are their tents. Tim Burton is directing this after all. Below that is a shot of a chimpanzee guard. The armor is a hell of a lot more stylized than in the original flick.
Now this second picture shows the group led by Mark Wahlberg's character charging the ape encampment on horseback. The ape we saw in the first picture is in the middle trying not to get run down.
Now we go for a kick ass close up on the charge. Sharp eyed observers might notice that those aren't all humans on those horses. Hmmmm. Why they named one of them Krull is beyond me. Cheesy 80s cinema lives!
Here the chaos continues as Wahlberg's character, Captain Leo Davidson starts to wreak havoc on the camp by using the apes torches to light up their tents.
Whoops, as you can see here, Leo isn't just lighting up tents. Some of the local residents are suffering the same fate. Nice guy that Leo.
Now to finish up we're going to wander into spoiler territory. If you're particularly squeamish about the details you should bail out right about now.
Still here? Good. Now the big spoiler involves the state of ape civilization. In the novel Planet of the Apes, the apes had a very modern civilization. They drove cars and used helicopters and all sorts of other modern goodies. That was way too expensive for the original movie to handle so the monkeys had to take a few steps back in the technology department. Of course their technological level was always a bit hard to get a handle on. They did medical experiments and were able (in Escape from the Planet of the Apes) to repair the spaceship and use it. At the same time they seemed limited to using horses and wagons for transportation. Well it would appear in this remake that the apes take yet another step backwards in technology. These apes don't even have guns. How do I know that? Let's go to the videotape! Or the storyboard as the case may be. Check out these last few boards where they use considerably more primitive weapons. One ape is seen throwing a bola while another uses a jailai type thingee to chuck fireballs. These apes do not have guns."
(Scoop by This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it .)
3000 Miles to Graceland Review
"This flick is the one of the most vivid examples in recent memory of how a director can screw up a really good script...even if he helped write the damn thing. Somebody forgot to tell former MTV-wad Demian Lichtenstein that this was a feature film not a music video because that's how it plays.
The film really had a potentially arresting plot line wherein five thieves, dressed to their sideburns in Elvis jump suits, rob a Vegas casino during International Elvis Week.....Talk about fun.
And the cast offers even more fun. Kevin Costner plays Murphy, a most unrepentant bad guy. Costner fans will no doubt be shocked by this completely unsympathetic character. His partner in crime is Michael portrayed by Kurt Russell, veering very close to his stunning turn as Elvis years ago for John Carpenter's television movie. Christian Slater, David Arquette and Bokeem Woodbine round out the team of errant Elvi. Courtney Cox is sexier than I can ever recall as Cybil the motel waif who cannot let Michael (Russell) or his money go, once she claps eye on him.
Director Lichenstein and his screenwriting partner Richard Recco banged out a script full of mean, witty dialogue, dizzy plot twists and an intriguing subplot that suggests that when the King was alive he may have spawned a little Elvis here and there and true to their white-trash DNA they turned greasy bad. But this rollicking heist flick is less than it should be due to the director's speed-metal tinged visuals and nausea-inducing cutting style. When the whole loud, dizzy affair was over, all I could say was, 'Thank you...thank you very much'."
(Review by 'Q-Brick'.)
Stay tuned...
That's all folks...
DeadPool
