Rants

11 October, 2001

Week 1 Whining

At long last we get the kick off to season three that we've waited breathlessly for (yeah right) and we're subjected to more whining than should normally ever be expected outside of a vineyard. Whether it was bitching and moaning that Clarence had two cherries instead of one or that Frank drives everyone too hard or that Diane doesn't walk in a straight line, the air was filled with the incessant sound of grown men and women whining like a collection of two year olds. Hardly an inspiring start to the season.

There was much to dislike here but let me get started with what was good. The scenery. Yes, that's right the African landscape is stunning and as usual the Survivor camera crews shoot the surrounding areas for maximum effect. This alone almost made the show watchable except for the fact that I could find much the same scenery on the Discovery channel and skip the torture of listening to the contestants.

Clearly this will be a grueling contest for these people. The land is inhospitable and if the first challenge is any indicator, the producers will beat on them almost as hard as the land. The obstacle course of sorts, which required them to drag around heavy carts with manuverability that compares nicely to that of a typical shopping mall, was fun to watch if for no other reason than we didn't have to hear the contestants talk much and they appeared to be miserable at the same time.

What's bad? The cast. According to my careful calculations which I just made up this minute, they spent approximately 72% of the show alternately giving each other high fives or hugs. The remaining 28% of their time was split equally between vomiting, discussion of cherry rations, whining, bitching and fire making. As for their personalities.... well, I'm starting to think back fondly to Jerri from Survivor 2. Now admittedly after one show there isn't enough time to get a good feel for what kinds of people they are but the few who did stick their necks out long enough to get recognized made poor first impressions.

Let's start with Tom. I haven't seen such a blow hard since Rush Limbaugh was still on the air. Somebody get this guy an industrial sized cork for his mouth. Then there is Ethan. He doesn't talk as much as Tom but when he does it's to whine about food. They say he's a professional soccer player. Isn't that a sport that requires incredible endurance? I ask because he looked dead on his feet during the challenge. Maybe he only runs with a ball at his feet. How about Brandon? Is he a real person or a sterotype straight from central casting? The rest of the cast failed to register anything at all. Actually Frank made an impression by saying very little. This automatically makes him my favorite in the bunch.

Now since the characters, whoops I mean cast members, weren't really doing it, the producers had little choice but to try and sell us on sex. Think I'm kidding? Then just check out this shot of Jessie trying to light a fire. The position of the camera on this shot leaves little doubt as to the producers' intentions here. I'm not objecting, this is clearly one of the show's high points but it is a pretty cheap way to increase interest.

So there you have it. Unlikeable people jumping through hoops in the supposed name of reality. I can hardly wait to see what nonsense they have cooked up for the second episode.

Episode Rating: 2 out of 10

- John Shea

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