Survivor 4: Marquesas

That Sinking Feeling: The Sarah Jones Story

26 March, 2002

Mark Burnett, you freaking son of a gun. I hate you. I despise you. Wanna know why I hate Burnett? For the second consecutive season, he has shattered my dreams. I don't ask for much and AGAIN he pulled the trigger scared that it could turn off older viewers. Well, it didn't turn off the over-30 audience tonight, they were cheering and again happy to see the demise of another slacking twentysomething alliance. For the first time, I felt like tuning out...

This week's episode began with the aftermath of another Maraamu tribal council. Gina asked her tribemates why they voted off Hunter. None of them could come up with a decent answer. She's a marked girl, as everyone knows she's next to go. Over to Rotu aka Paradise Island, we see them bonding and loving each other. What a close knit group... ahhhhhhhhhhhhh. Wait, time for a reward challenge. Jeff says to the arriving tribes, wait it's not a reward challenge, it's not an immunity challenge it's.... THE SWITCH! Ignorant fools, they had not seen Survivor: Africa before leaving, they have no idea about a possible switcheroo. Poor virgins, pick a random round stone to step on. Ugly she-male, turn yours over. Congrats Zoe, you're still a Rotu. Uh-oh Kathy, Neleh and Grandpa switch sides and become Maraamu members with Gina and Sarah. While the Oreo alliance become food for the Rotu warriors.

Back from the break, let's watch the crazy hijinks of the new tribe members. The old Rotus find comfort and pleasure at Maraamu beach. Ah, the fruits, the easy waterhole, the bugs... While on the other side, bad news guys, YOU'VE GOT TO WORK! VCR Alert, yes, please rewind your tape and see ACTUAL WORK SWEAT from Sean and Rob. Funniest quote of the show comes from Tammy: "If they don't want to work, we will continue to feed them, but when it comes time to vote, their asses are out of here." Back at Maraamu camp, they decide to go for a little hike. Kathy gets them lost in the jungle, while we see poor little Sarah try to go on her own and she ends up lost. Gina makes a bunch of faces, knowing Sarah is next to go. Good for you G, you'll survive another week. She won't make it to the merger.

At Rotu, the drama begins. Sean tells Gabe: "We aren't going to over exert ourselves, knowing that we are going to get picked off one by one. We aren't going to run around here like slaves to prove anything to anybody. We are going to work when we want, and rest when we want to rest." What a bright idea, Sean-o! He's definitely becoming Target #1 for the blood thirsty original Rotu tribemates. Even Vecepia didn't want any piece of Sean's rant. Getting in touch with her inner Mary J. Blige, she wants no more drama in her Rotu stay. Time for the immunity challenge, Gabriel Neutron, boy genius gives his team another victory with his coordination of the tapestry puzzle game. Maraamu loses again and heads for 4th consecutive tribal council. What a bunch of losers, they remind me of my street hockey team back in my senior year of high school. We were called the Cougars and we lost our first three games of the season. We then won three consecutive games and after that we lost every one of them. At least, WE WON SOMETHING. Maraamu is even worse than my Cougars. My ultimate definition of a group of losers has always been the Cougars. Well not anymore...

Time to vote, guess who leaves? The plastic queen takes the walk of shame. Her flotation devices couldn't save her from sinking with her new tribe. She couldn't hit on Paschal, as Viagra is prohibited on the island. Gina won't smile for long, her head is next on the chopping block. Bottom line, the switch was a big pile of crap. For the second consecutive season, a group of dominant twentysomething are destroyed because Uncle Burnett doesn't like it. Last time, Silas (loved that Oscars cameo), Lindsey, Brandon and Dumb Kim had the upper hand. Out of nowhere, the producers pulled a switch which broke their alliance in two and made them easy targets for the other tribe. What did it do? Frank and Teresa survived for a while but none made it to the final 4. Again, the original Maraamu will be voted off easilly and the very un-entertaining Rotu will win the whole thing. What the hell is wrong with twentysomething slackers winning the mind games? Are we that scary? We might not be working much, but we're dominating mentally this game. Burnett, you idiot, stop pissing off my generation or else we'll stop watching the show.

I decided to end this recap with a little poetry for the lovely Miss Jones:

An ode to Sarah

Sarah, you are drop dead beautiful
But your tribe was not merciful.
No other survivor had your beauty
or the way you could shake that booty.
Perhaps a little intellect you lacked,
it was all forgotten with that rack.
We'll miss seeing you in that bikini
at least you'll be eating spaghetti.

Stay tuned...

That's all folks...

- Jean-François Allaire (aka DeadPool)

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