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Monkey Business
Okay, I lied. In my last issue, I promised a script review of Planet of the Apes. I'm sorry to say that isn't happening. Hate me all you want, it's not going to change anything. It's actually TWO script reviews of Planet of the Apes. The first one is from regular collaborator 'Agent Payne' and the second is from scoop newcomer 'Lester S. Livermore'. I hope you will enjoy their hard working news coverage. I had the opportunity of seeing 15 Minutes earlier today. It's an okay film with a disappointing ending. Don't let the ads fool you, it's an Ed Burns movie, not a Bobby D flick. The picture has a few cool cameos by Charlize Theron and David Alan Grier. I'll review the film soon and I'll add the link to my next column.
Reviewing 'The Planet'
No one does it better than Agent Payne:
"The last few nights, I've been having the same nightmares. No, no, not the one with Kimmi from Survivor 2 bathing me down at Kucha camp. It's the one about a certain summer movie that had a great concept but f**ks-up at the end. 'Wait dude, Are you talking about Godzilla?' No. 'Wild Wild West?' Nope. 'Mission:Impossible 2?' Uh, no. I'm bitching about Planet of the Apes. Tim Burton, the genius, is presently assembling this large scale project in the editing bay. The real story should be behind the scenes right now. Can Tim salvage this project? Is it already too late?
2029, somewhere in our solar system the spaceship USAF Oberon is gathering up scientific information. Pilot Leo Davidson ('Marky' Mark Wahlberg) is training apes to helm space pods missions. His latest protege, the lovable Pericles, disappears during a mission in an electromagnetic storm. Leo, our talented hero, tries to rescue the missing chimp. He loses control of his pod and crash lands on a planet. You know the rest... Apes are in control and humans are their slaves. Leo is captured by apes alongside human tribe leader Karubi (Kris Kristofferson) and his hottie daughter Daena (Estella Warren). Ape trader Limbo (Paul Giamatti) sells Daena and Leo to human-friendly Ari (Helena Bonham-Carter), who's father is a Senator (David Warner). The humans and Ari escape to a mysterious ancient city. On their trail is the evil General Thade (Tim Roth) and his right-hand ape Captain Attar (Michael Clarke Duncan) who want to destroy the human rebellion once and for all.
I'm going to do a quick run down of the cast and their characters. Leo is too good a role for Marky Mark. The way his character reads, he reminds me of Matt Damon. His character is caught in a bizarre love triangle which leads nowhere. He's not really funny, exciting or tough. 
Tim Roth's General Thade is a remake of his Rob Roy villain persona. He's obviously less sadistic or over-the-top. His intro in the flick is probably one of the coolest in recent film history. I do get the feeling Roth is again put in a generic evil role created for a British actor. The names Gary Oldman, Jeremy Irons etc... could have easily replace his name on the billboards. Michael Clarke Duncan has a chance to shine with this picture. His characters kicks some serious ass and it's going to be amazing to see that monster of a man in an ape suit. In her first big-budget film debut, Helena Bonham-Carter has a difficult role. Her Ari is not your typical leading lady part. I'm not a huge fan of Helena, but it's very different from the chain smoking-kama sutra bimbo she played in Fight Club. 
While Estella Warren has to play a human girl whose behavior resembles an ape. Truly bizarre, but her outfit should just hypnotize us and makes us forget that the supermodels CAN'T ACT! Scene-stealing superstars Kris Kristofferson and Paul Giamatti are not given big enough roles. Giamatti, who's usually hilarious, doesn't have that many funny lines.
Bill Broyles, if you're reading this, F**K YOU! That man is terrible. His Cast Away script was awful and now he manages to screw up this project. Don't get me wrong, a lot of this story is interesting but it completely lost focus at the end of Act 3. From that point on, it sucks. It seriously sucks. The action scenes are interesting and fast paced. The dialog is not bad and not that great either. I don't think we'll be quoting this one next fall. I got annoyed by Pericles, who's the Jar Jar equivalent of this script. There's also a cheap plug for tons of FOX products at the beginning. Don't ask it doesn't make any sense. As far as the ending is concern, I won't say much beside this: Stargate. Remember that ending? Broyles remade it Apes-Style. No Ape/Human sex scenes. All you hairy freaks are surely disappointed.
Here's the scenario of what's going to happen. Either Fox keeps this one close to the vest and doesn't screen it till it's scheduled release or it test-screens it and they get slapped in the face. After seeing the results they will need to reshoot part of the ending. I pray that this will happen or else we're stuck with a sub-par summer tent-pole film."
(Scoop by 'Agent Payne'.)
Likeable 'Ape' review?
Ladies and gentleman, introducing the newest addition to this scooping asylum 'Mr. Lester S. Livermore':
"This is not a literal remake of the original movie. Instead it uses the same basic concept while changing all the details. It's still about an astronaut who becomes stranded on a planet ruled by talking apes where humans are enslaved and generally treated as animals. In the script for the new film, the apes society is drawn much better. It doesn't seem to be a society simply divided by race. In the original the gorillas were the workers and warriors, the chimps were the scientists and the orangutans were the bureaucrats. This new script offers no evidence that there is such a sharply defined social structure. Those three species don't appear to be limited to particular jobs or status in life. There is also no evidence that gibbons, the fourth type of ape, or any other type of simian, apart from those I mentioned, have any part in this world. Technologically the apes seem to have advanced to a point similar to our Middle Ages. There is a lot more depth to their society as we get a sense of their political structure and hear citizens grumbling about taxes and other gripes. Even their religion seems better defined. The apes in the first movie referred cryptically to the Lawgiver and that was about it for religion. This new bunch believes in a god called Semos, they pray and for a particularly devout gorilla such as Attar (Michael Clarke Duncan) their actions are governed by those beliefs.
The hero of the story is Captain Leo Davidson. He fills in for Chuck Heston's Colonel George Taylor. Unlike Taylor, Leo arrives on this planet alone. He's nowhere near as cynical as Taylor but he is very much a take charge kind of guy. He never stops looking for ways to escape and never backs down. He becomes a leader in the movie although he is taken aback by it.
Now the humans on this world are a smarter bunch than in the first movie. Some of them haven't learned to speak but a lot have. Their biggest problem is that they lack organization and the cajones to band together against the apes. Instead of the mute Nova in the first movie we get Daena (Estella Warren), who is tough as nails and a nasty fighter.
The apes characters don't have any true counterparts from the first movie. The only true human sympathizer is the chimp Ari (Helena Bonham Carter), the daughter of Senator Sandar. We meet a slave trader orangutan named Limbo (Paul Giamatti), who serves as the movie's primary source of humor. From the military we meet the chimpanzee General Thade (Tim Roth) and his second in command, Attar. Roth was an excellent choice for Thade as he is reminiscent of Roth's character from Rob Roy. He's every bit as evil and cut throat but less weasily and not at all foppish. 
Michael Clarke Duncan seems well suited for Attar. The thought of his mega deep voice rumbling out of this silverback gorilla gives me chills. It's also a nice role as Attar has deep religious convictions that really round out the character. He's not simply a warrior. I got a kick out of one ape who was very clearly meant to be played by Heston.
I've got very mixed feelings about this script. There are some things in it that I like very much and some others I wish hadn't been inflicted on my poor brain. On the bright side I liked the way the major characters were drawn and the way we get a real sense of the ape culture and society. The first two acts move along smoothly with no real hiccups. When it moves into the third act though, all hell breaks loose. The big twist ending of the original is gone. This is not Earth. We get a smaller twist about three quarters of the way through instead that I saw coming a mile away. From that point on the events don't make a lot of sense. It's as if the writers just ran out of good ideas and started scribbling down random thoughts.
I can see Tim Burton making a pretty spectacular affair out of this movie based on what is described in the script. Unfortunately I think the ending will come as a major disappointment leaving a bitter aftertaste for those who go to see it. It's a shame as there is a lot of good stuff here that should have built to something better."
(Review sent in by 'Lester S. Livermore'.)
Stay tuned...
That's all folks...
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Jean-François Allaire (aka DeadPool)
Questions, comments, praise etc. Email me at deadpool@tnmc.org
Jean-François Allaire is TNMC's first columnist. At only 24 years old he has become a respected entertainment journalist, with his columns appearing in Corona's Coming Attractions and Scr(i)pt magazine. He also writes a monthly column in Screenwriters Monthly entitled 'The Last Word.' Hailing from Montreal this young writer is determined to dig up all the details on the movies before they hit your local theater. If you're part of a movie production then you really need to be talking to him.
