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The Worst of Cinema in 2001
Here it is folks, the worst of 2001 as selected by me and my TNMC buddies Batman, Hollyfeld and Dr. Strangelove. I hope you enjoy reading about all the bad movies released this past year. Coming up soon are my top ten wish-list of 2002 and my personal top ten best movies of 2001.
The Top Ten Worst Films of 2001
10-Pearl Harbor
I had written a much longer paragraph about this, but in short, Pearl Harbor, the movie, was not about an event that shaped and united a nation; it was about an event that affected the lives of a few clichéd and silly people, and as several generations now realize firsthand, taking a national tragedy and focusing only on the pain and heartache of a few individuals is selfish, hurtful, and trivializes one of the most important events in history of the United States. And yes, it is just a movie, with glorious action sequences to boot, but it becomes increasingly clear that Pearl Harbor is a movie that should have been better made.
9-Evolution
Shampoo saves the universe. This crappy movie was one of the stupidest films I have ever seen. David Duchovny is bad, Orlando Jones is downright awful, Julianne Moore is useless and Seann William Scott is an idiot (We already knew that). The script is a joke and the direction is nonexistent. Thank god for Shrek or else Dreamworks would have had a really poor summer.
8-The Musketeer
Universal Pictures did an amazing job editing the trailer for this movie. I would rather watch that trailer 60 times then watch the complete film again. Peter Hyams directed this movie with his eyes closed and with no director of photography apparently. I was more impressed with the cinematography in The Blair Witch Project then in this piece of garbage. Even Tim Roth can't save this crap, even though he managed to save Planet of The Apes from extinction.
7-The Adventures of Joe Dirt
This is not the first time that a movie with David Spade as the lead character has ended up in my bottom ten list. It happened two years ago with Lost & Found. This is not an accident. There is a very real and frightening pattern at work here. If Spade leads, avoid the movie like the plague.
6-Enemy at The Gates
We had quite a few crappy war movies in 2001, but more so than any other, this is a film that almost completely failed to keep my attention. I didn't care about the characters, pure and simple, whereas the hokey charms of Pearl Harbor and near-successes of Charlotte Gray at least kept me from wishing the key figures horrible bodily harm. Not so, here. Boo, quite frankly. Boo.
5-Valentine
This is a movie that takes the slasher movie formula and does every conceivable thing wrong with it. In fact, it is so wretchedly poor in execution that I have to wonder if anyone involved with it has ever seen, oh say Halloween, for example. Hell, the O.J. trial is a better example of a slasher flick than Valentine.
4-Josie and The Pussycats
The worst eight dollars I have ever invested in a movie. Is it because of the script? Yes, if such a thing existed for this project. Is it because of the directing? Wow, you mean someone actually directed this movie? Is it because of the cast? Definitely. My favorite part of the movie was the opening of the film where we meet a boy-band called Dujour. I would have rather watched Dujour:The Movie then this unsalvageable junk.
3-Swordfish
In spite of a few action sequences that entertain and the always pleasurable presence of Hugh Jackman, Swordfish is really the worst kind of Hollywood action tripe: it's excessively loud, genuinely mean-spirited, and, as is increasingly the case, unnecessarily confusing. The fact that Swordfish is guilty of unleashing all these mediocrities and then some on the movie-going populace is reason enough to land it a place on this list, but the filmmakers also deemed it necessary to make this film one of the most misogynistic mainstream movies of the modern era, an ugly addition that almost completely overshadows the few effective elements the picture had going for it.
2-Driven
RIP the careers of Sylvester Stallone, Burt Reynolds and Gina Gershon. They were last seen approaching this Hindenburg-class disaster of a movie. All of them had bright spots to their careers but after this sorry display I'd say those are now permanently distant memories. Renny Harlin valiantly attempts to make the racing interesting but the lame-ass story holds him back and then that is undermined by some of the worst overacting I've seen in years.
1-The Mummy Returns
My passionate hatred for this film is long gone, but hatred nevertheless remains. It is, quite simply, the worst Hollywood assembly line film in a very, very long time - poorly made, poorly written, and even visual effects that look cheap (usually this element is the only thing a movie like this has going for it). Some people love it. Fine. They have lower standards than a dog resorting to eating its own shit, but fine. Some people find it entertaining - okay, entertaining I can buy. But after seeing perhaps the best epic fantasy of all time in Peter Jackson's The Fellowship of the Ring, even the small amount of cheeseball charm The Mummy Returns can attest to seems incredibly wanting. It's crap, folks. Occasionally amusing crap, but even turds can take on amusing shapes once in a while. Why must we allow ourselves to be force-fed amusingly shaped turds when gourmet banquets can be prepared just as easily? Think about that mental image next time you settle for a film this pointless, heartless and trite.
The Worst Actors of 2001
Sisqo (Get Over It)
The dude can't act. I mean, he really can't act. Are you familiar at all with the occupation of acting? Okay, well, HE'S not. No, really. You see that paper bag? Put this man in that bag and tell him to act. He won't be able to get out. I swear! Try it! Okay, you see him acting in there? Taking him a while, isn't it? He's still stuck? Here, let's help him out: pour a bucket of water on the paper bag. That will make it nice and easy to break through and... hey, he's still in there, isn't he? Wait, I've got an idea. Put on "The Thong Song," please. We'll wait. Okay... WHOA, there he goes! So long, wet pressed wood pulp! The man can dance, and maybe even sing, but he just... can't... act.
Tom Green (Freddy got Fingered)
One of the worst performances ever committed to celluloid. Need I say more?
Eddie Griffin (Double Take)
In Double Take, Griffin obliterates any notion of annoying with a performance that sets a new standard for irritating.
Haley Joel Osment (A.I.)
Damn that kid is exasperating. We can't stand him anymore and A.I. was the last straw. Give him a 5 year vacation and we'll meet him again after puberty.
The Worst Actresses of 2001
Rachel Weisz (The Mummy Returns and Enemy At The Gates)
I blame, first and foremost, the fact that Miss Weisz had almost nothing to work with in either of these movies, but in several other films this year we have seen talented actors working miracles in otherwise mediocre material (see if you will Clive Owen and Helen Mirren in Greenfingers, or Kirsten Dunst and Ben Foster in Get Over It). Neither of her characters - I hope to be forgiven for missing the straight-to-video film in which she was featured - were infused with any attribute that made me care for their welfare. This is a failing, pure and simple. Rachel Weisz is capable of entertaining, well-crafted performances - I myself am a big fan of her star turn in the first (new) Mummy - but this year's theatrically released films were devoid of them.
Gina Gershon (Driven)
I'm literally left speechless by the stunningly bad performance turned in by Ms. Gershon in Driven. Let's put it this way, after this, Showgirls is now a career highlight for her.
Estella Warren (Driven and Planet of The Apes)
At first glance this year, two things stand out about this lovely young model turned actress and I don't mean her boobs. That's right, I mean her appearances in Planet of the Apes and Driven. Hopefully she stays firm enough to keep modeling because those performances won't have the phone ringing anytime soon.
The Entire Female Cast of (Josie and The Pussycats)
Where do we begin: Rachel Leigh Cook is incompetent, Rosario Dawson has no existing talent, Tara Reid is one dumb bitch and Parker Posey is pathetic. The worst female cast ever assembled in movie history.
The Worst Directors of 2001
Stephen Sommers (The Mummy Returns)
There are numerous films from 2001 in which the director should have done a better job - in fact, this may hold true for the majority of the films released in the last calendar year. But unlike many of them, here is a director who really should have known better, having proved himself more than worthy of the task with his last film, The Mummy. Whereas the original Mummy was a bright, well-paced old fashioned action epic, the sequel was a sprawling, incomprehensible mess, and given the amount of control he had on this flick Sommers only has himself to blame.
Dominic Sena (Swordfish)
Congratulations Mr. Sena for being nominated in this category two years in a row. Now, please stop making movies for the good of mankind.
Steven Spielberg (A.I.)
Remember 1941, Always, Amistad, The Lost World and Amistad? This movie is one more proof that he's not perfect.
Baz Lurhmann (Moulin Rouge)
Restraint: the ability to limit, restrict or keep under control. I just thought I'd throw that definition out for him on the off chance he reads this. It clearly wasn't a concept in effect during the making of Moulin Rouge.(Commentary by 'Batman'.)
The Rest
"Hollyfeld, here. As I have not yet seen many of the movies of 2001, good and bad alike, I dislike referring to any of these films as "The Worst of 2001." Most of them are simply my least favorite at this moment in time, and as such, many are actually fairly decent flicks, the bad in which simply outweighed the good.
Donnie Darko: This is a film that, though very fondly remembered and reviewed at its release (and beforehand), fell through the box office cracks this fall. The reason why, I believe, is that it doesn't make any sense whatsoever, and unlike similar conundrums such as this year's Mulholland Drive, it really was supposed to. I actually would recommend that people see this film if only to make up their own minds about it, but in spite of the fact that it is very interesting, I think it ultimately fails in almost all of its goals. It's on my list, but in all fairness, its placement is very, very low.
Jurassic Park 3: Actually, this is a pretty decent film. It reminds me of Alien 3 - a sequel that followed up upon two mega-successes that was somewhat rushed in production and feels like it. There are aspects of Jurassic Park 3 that recommend it, mostly in regards to some of its more entertaining action sequences, but the story felt incomplete, with glaring plot holes, unresolved plot threads and the most non-existent ending of the year. (Not to mention the fact that it is REALLY short.)
Tomb Raider: Yes, I recommended this film upon its initial release, and like Donnie Darko and Jurassic Park 3, I recommend it still, but it's still a really crappy popcorn flick that worked far better in the theaters than it does now on the small screen. Sigh... Moving on...
Get Over It: Though aided by talented performances from its two main leads, and a few scenes with genuine comic flare, there is no denying that this film, recommended by two opinionated critics on this site upon its initial release, is truly, truly inept, both artistically and technically. Sorry about that.
Jin-Roh: Wolf Brigade: I actually feel kind of bad about singling this movie out on this list due to its extremely limited release and clearly noble heart. That said, I cannot think of a single film I have ever, EVER seen that shoved an allegory so far down the audience's throat... no, not even A.I. Perhaps, just perhaps, this is a result of the English dub that played in American theaters, but the version I saw, and therefore must rate, had so little respect for the audience's intelligence as to negate the numerous admirable qualities the film otherwise possessed.
Charlotte Gray: I think I find this film more frustrating than many of the other, worse films of this year because it came so very close to working before it refused to go any further. A director, I forget whom, once said that a great film must have three great scenes and no bad scenes. While there are certainly no bad scenes in Charlotte Gray, one cannot escape the feeling that the three great scenes were in the script but never even shot. The movie annoys the audience rather than captivating them.
Worst Miscasting: Ice Cube - John Carpenter's Ghosts of Mars. Ice Cube is a good actor, and has proved himself as such on numerous occasions, but he did not have, in this film, the necessary presence to portray Desolation Williams. His character was built up none too subtly as one of dubious reputation; a tough as nails survivor, a man, of all people, who has been elevated to legendary status on a planet run by women. Cube, however, portrays Williams as another one of the guys, more or less casually committing crime when the need presents itself and only happening to be talented at it. Quite simply, this character needed to have been more of a bad ass through and through. Cube was okay in the role, but what was needed in this and in almost every John Carpenter film, was the presence of Kurt Russell as the lead.
Most Annoying Non-Ending That Wasn't Jurassic Park 3: Session 9. This movie was and still is probably the best straight-forward horror film of 2001, but there's no denying that it ends on something of an abrupt note. As I said in my initial review, the film ends at about the exact time you expect the last act to begin. While this did lead to a moderate feeling of macabre as the film ended, it also seemed to leave much of the film unresolved, a distraction for any astute audience member. (Runner-Up: The Tailor of Panama, for an international crisis that ended more quickly than any other in the history of the world.)
Most Annoying Plot Hole: 13 Ghosts. The entire plot of the film hinges upon the family being broke, but also upon the presence of their nanny... so let me get this straight: they can't pay their bills, but they can afford to pay a person to look after one single child when both the father and adult sister seem to be around all day anyway? Fond moviegoing memory: at one point in the film the nanny says 'I'm don't get paid enough to do this shit" (paraphrasing), to which an audience member yelled back, "What the...?! You're not getting paid!' ...and yes, that was me. (Runner-Up - A.I., for the unexplained and obvious plot device that says the dead can only come back for a single day, and Donnie Darko, for pretty much the whole dang film.)
The 'It Isn't Really His Best Film' Award: Mulholland Drive. Yes, it is a very good film, but it is disturbing that this film is receiving such remarkable critical acclaim when the far superior Lost Highway, which played with similar themes with even greater effectiveness, received such a thorough trouncing. Rent it today - you'll be glad you did.
The 'Leave The Audience Wanting More... Hey, Not THAT Much More' Award: The One. I am very, very fond of this movie, and I consider it one of the best American martial arts movies... period. However, I cannot help but wonder where the hell the rest of it is. It's less than 90 minutes long, folks, and unlike the films of 1920s-40s, where a short running time was the norm, it really does feel like it's missing something (and quite a bit of it, too). (Runner-Up: Jurassic Park 3, I haven't felt that much lack of climax since that night I got drunk with my girlfriend and... never mind.)
(Commentary by 'Hollyfeld'.)
"Last year the critics were saying that 2000 was one of the worst years in recent memory for movies. We now know that not to be true. 2001 was much worse. Actually, 2001's defining characteristic is an aggressive mediocrity. While there were certainly a fair number of movies released in 2001 that were soul rattlingly bad, the great majority of films were just average. Neither good or bad enough to stand out. The message from Hollywood was seemingly one of artistic indifference. Ironically this appears to be a successful approach as 2001 was a banner year at the box office. Sadly that pretty much assures us all a steady stream of uninspiring movies. Why should Hollywood make an effort when the public turns out in droves for half hearted films?
But enough of my whining, you're here to hear about the films so bad they made me contemplate self mutilation as a means of coping. Before the actual list I'd like to just throw out a few dishonorable mentions. Pearl Harbor, Just Visiting and The Wedding Planner were all pretty bad but just not bad enough to contend with the likes of the following:
Behind Enemy Lines: The trailers made this look like a lot of fun. In reality it was one of the most idiotic films of the year. I couldn't make it through more than five minutes of this film without being astounded by something really dumb. What possessed talented men like Gene Hackman and Owen Wilson to associate themselves with this loser is beyond me.
Sweet November: Ignore the Keanu bashing for just a moment and think about the plot. A man takes a month out of his life to spend it with a clearly unstable woman he meets at the DMV. That's the good part of the movie. It's all downhill from there.
Moulin Rouge: Back in my heady days of being in the AV club in high school (easy ladies, I'm taken), I remember flipping on a strobe light and staring at it too closely for no reason other than it seemed like an interesting thing to do. Director Baz Luhrman should have tried doing that when he was in high school. If he had then he would known what an unpleasant experience it was and thus saved the rest of us the pain of suffering through this movie. Many critics, my cohorts here at TNMC among them, will try and convince you that Moulin Rouge is brilliant. Don't fall for it, save yourself while you still can.
America's Sweethearts: I only paid $3.50 to see this at a theater. I still feel ripped off too. How such a talented group of actors could be so thoroughly unamusing is one of the world's great mysteries. Oh wait, now I remember, they gutted the original script so that a major star wouldn't have to play a minor role.
Say It Isn't So: Say it isn't funny.
Double Take: You know that guy from the 7-Up commercials? He's funny isn't he? He's in this movie but don't let that fool you into seeing it. I've left things in toilets that were more watchable.
Worst Acting of the year. This is a tough one as there were several truly undistinguished performances this year to choose from. But here are the lowlights:
Heather Graham (Say It Isn't So)
At one point I believed she might have talent as an actress. That stopped rather abruptly with her performance in Say It Isn't So.
Christina Applegate (Just Visiting)
It's hard to believe but she clearly hit her acting stride during her Married, with Children days. Her role in Just Visiting wasn't up to those lofty standards.
Denise Richards (Valentine)
It's probably not sporting to keep mentioning Richards in these kinds of articles... but... well, let's face it, she's an easy target. Built to resemble a flotation device, her long string of wooden performances remained untarnished this year with Valentine.
David Spade (The Adventures of Joe Dirt)
The only good thing I can say about his performance in Joe Dirt is that I didn't pay anything to see it.
Chris Tucker (Rush Hour 2)
After the surprise success of Rush Hour, Tucker vanished from the spotlight, holding out for a $20 million paycheck from anyone willing to hand it out. That turned out to be New Line for Rush Hour 2. He responded with a performance that wouldn't have gotten him a role in an elementary school play. He'll be lucky to get whatever they paid him for the original for the next movie.
Chris Klein (Say It Isn't So)
All of two years ago it looked like this kid might be going somewhere after Election and American Pie. But then he appeared this year in Say It Isn't So. He's got some serious apologizing to do.
Jack Black (Saving Silverman)
This one really pains me because Black was so amazingly perfect last year in High Fidelity. As a result I was actually looking forward to Saving Silverman. Not a tiny bit of the talent displayed in High Fidelity was in evidence here.
By worst director I mean the guys who somehow managed to make a movie that failed pretty horrendously. Either by wildly missing expectations or simply creating a film that is unwatchable, a director earns a spot on this list:
Renny Harlin (Driven)
Wow, I haven't seen acting that bad since Geraldo Rivera's last "news" report. Harlin apparently developed a complete lack of ability to spot crap while filming this one.
J.B. Rogers (Say It Isn't So)
This is a movie that wants to be a comedy but has no sense of humor at all. Rogers doesn't appear to have any idea how to tell a joke."
(Commentary by 'Batman'.)
Stay tuned...
That's all folks...
Jean-François Allaire (aka DeadPool)
Questions, comments, praise etc. Email me at deadpool@tnmc.org
Jean-François Allaire is TNMC's first columnist. At only 24 years old he has become a respected entertainment journalist, with his columns appearing in Corona's Coming Attractions and Scr(i)pt magazine. He also writes a monthly column in Screenwriters Monthly entitled 'The Last Word.' Hailing from Montreal this young writer is determined to dig up all the details on the movies before they hit your local theater. If you're part of a movie production then you really need to be talking to him.
