TNMC

Divine semen aside, I enjoyed these first two episodes. I’m marginally familiar with the Doctor Who universe, but that wasn’t a detriment in the slightest. I was completely drawn in from the start knowing as little as I did. "Rose" opens quickly and conveys the title character’s boring existence with zero dialogue. She’s just a girl living in London, working in a department store, and utterly oblivious to the sort of world she really lives in. Then she meets some walking shop-window dummies that want her dead. Who aficionados will recognize the dummies as Autons, but they aren’t named in the episode itself. Not that I noticed, at least. She’s seconds away from dying when a sharp-dressed chap with big ears pops in and spirits her away from the nonsense, speaking quick and making very little sense.

Rose Tyler is the latest in a long list of companions for an alien time traveler known as the Doctor. He’s been played by nearly a dozen actors over the years and has gone through many shifts in personality. Christopher Eccleston brings a manic energy to the Doctor that I recall seeing in Tom Baker’s portrayal of the Doctor back when I was interested in watching PBS. Billie Piper is entertaining as Rose, though I’m told she’s a pop singer in the UK. I guess this is the equivalent of casting Britney Spears as a lead in a new series. Only not as skanky. And with a body that looks like it belongs to a human being. Also a sexy accent. Mrrrowr.

The second episode aired the same night on SciFi, and as the two basically run into each other it seems almost like one episode. At the end of "Rose" the Doctor is saved from being eaten by a CGI vat of living plastic, and he offers Rose a spot in the TARDIS (his time machine/space ship shaped like a blue police box. IT’S A DISGUISE!) which she initially turns down. Once she learns it travels in time, as well, she leaps right on in there, abandoning her boyfriend Mickey. Now, Mickey’s a bit of a pussy and a lot less attractive than the Doctor, at least in terms of personality. Rose treats him like shit in this episode. It’s not going to get any better for him later in the series, I assure you.

The next installment, "The End of the World", lives up to its name. The final annihilation of the planet Earth. Great way to start off a series, by threatening the planet and then showing it finally coming to an end five billion years from now. The effects were pretty sharp in this episode, especially since the original show was known for having absolute shit for visuals. At least, that’s what I remember. It’s not Industrial Light & Magic, but it’s more than adequate for me. I don’t think I need to get into the meat of the story, since it’s really just a standalone episode meant to develop the Doctor’s relationship with Rose and her perception of him. We learn some things, people die, and the Doctor is very clever. That’s all you really need to know. Also funny.

Just remember. If this seems pretty tame for a review of mine, that’s because I’m not boiling over with hate. That’s what Jackie’s for. Rose’s mother is the most irritating character on television for me, right now. Hardly compares to Lana, of course, but she still makes me want to force feed her uterus to her. The rest of the show is worth it, though. And I’m totally watching it legally.

Totally.

Steven Dougherty has heard that there are places where you can actually download episodes of a show and then share them with people. He’s also heard that there’s this thing called sky and that it might be blue.