Written by Steven Dougherty
Wednesday, 06 October 2004 13:28

Why does the promo department for the WB insist on advertising episodes of Smallville under completely different names? I admit to a certain amusement at seeing the words "Kryp/Tuck" on my television screen, but all they’re doing is showing exactly how retarded this episode is. It doesn’t even have a real resolution. Hell, it barely has a plot.

Episode #4-03, "Facade"
Written by Holly Harold
Directed by David Carson
Special Guest Star: Eric Johnson (Whitney), Erica Durance (Lois Lane), Michael Ironside (Gen. Sam Lane), Brianna Lynn Brown (Abigail).
Air Date: October 06, 2004

This week I learned a valuable lesson about poor self-image. I also learned that Lana is not fun, and that the producers of Smallville are Fucking Liars. The capital letters make it a title now. One interesting note, someone paid Eric Johnson a lot of money to reprise his role as Whitney in a moving flashback that teaches us all the lesson self-love. Or maybe that was the emotional equivalent of sandpaper handjob. It’s getting so I can’t tell the difference.

A young girl with acne was harassed during Clark’s freshman year, as evidenced by Whitney’s presence. This girl was Abigail, henceforth known as Scabby Abby. Scabby Abby foregoes the advantages of a daily face-wash for the healing power of liquid Kryptonite. No sane person would make this decision, so it’s a good thing Abby’s mom is an image-obsessed plastic surgeon who is obviously dissatisfied with her genetic heritage. Since Kryptonite + Smallville Physics = Superpowers, Abby winds up with the ability to induce painful hallucinations in whomever she kisses. So her power is to make people think they’re ugly and then fall asleep for a while. I guess they really can make someone more lame than the Bee Girl from "Drone". I should have had more faith in their ability to suck.

Clark tries out for the football team, which happens to be coached by one Jason Teague. Jason and Lana are still seeing each other in direct violation of every ethical standard in the state of Kansas. As a faculty member, even if he’s just an assistant coach, Jason shouldn’t be seeing a student. Of course, we’re supposed to accept this as just a quirk in their relationship. Fuck you, Smallville. Fuck you in your hairy-armed, Canadian ass. Oh, and Lex continues his transformation into Magnificent Bastard 2.0 when he catches Jason talking to a comatose Lana (Post Lesbionic Abby-Kiss). He makes with a few snide comments about the school fielding a representative for just one girl. I love you Lex. Keep it up. There wasn’t enough of you to keep this episode alive.

You know what really chaps my ass, though? Lois is back in high school. Her father informs her that her admission to Metropolis University was pulled when they discovered she was five credits short of graduating. It’s been established that Lois was already in college a season or so ago, so how is it exactly, that no one noticed this problem before? What sort of bullshit excuse to keep her around do you need? Why not just have her drop out of school for a while to look into something weird going on around Smallville? It might not be the strongest reason to stick around, but it sure as fuck beats making up imaginary high school credits. Hell, we don’t even get to see Clark toss a freak around or use his powers all that much. It’s just a lame episode from start to finish. I give "Facade":

1 out of 10

This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it would pay cash money to see the Writer/Director duo of this episode publicly sodomized and humiliated.

 

 

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